Tell me once more

I have heard those stories so many times.
Of how I learnt to walk or the things I hated to eat.
The tales of my childhood that no camera can repeat.
I recreate them in my head as you narrate the memories in words.
But go ahead Aai, tell me once more.

Tell me of the time I was less than one.
Of my unsure steps and my wobbly gait
that paused after a fall, just as the fun had begun.
Of how instead of latching on to any available support,
I held out my index finger for some adult to hold.

Tell me of the time when I was only two.
The poems that you helped me learn
and the book that had pictures too.
Of how I made people believe that I could already read
When I was really reciting from memory and using the pictures as cue.

Tell me again of the time I lied to you
It was sunday afternoon and the time for my TV show
you let me watch when I told you the homework was done
A blank notebook earned me my first ever slap
Harsh as it was, I learnt my lesson

Tell me of how I was a chatterbox, a contrast to your first born.
Of the clips and bows and ribbons and bands, I insited you put on me
Of how I'd choose a dress myself but never ever wear it again.
And the pre-exam wake up calls with coffee and breakfast at three.

Tell me also of the times when I behaved badly with you
Of the countless arguments and fights and the midnight curfew
Tell me you forgive me for the times I slammed the door
Of how I would have still had buck teeth were it not for you.

Go ahead, tell me once more Aai,
Tell me so I realize that you've shaped what I've come to be.
So each time I look at the mirror, I find a bit of you in me.
Tell me once more, so I can see myself from the lens that you saw me through.
So i know that no matter what my age, I'm nothing but a part of you.

(Aai means Mother in Marathi and this is also, how I address my mother)

Weekend Realizations

- I'm very greedy and ambitious.

What else would explain a 30 before 30 list that is in reality, a 60 before 30 list? Each point on that list can neatly be broken down into two or even 3 individual to-do's. But no, life isn't complete without a goal that stretches or nearly breaks my back. Examples: Do 21km+ 42 km marathon runs. Or what has really got me up in arms- Read 50 good books! And I have been reading, trust you me. But here the clever qualifier of "Good" has meant that I have unwittingly brought in the quality of writing into the picture. Sigh. Now that I have picked up a good book (A suitable boy)...it alone weighs as much as 5 decent sized books. Phew. I''m a tough taskmaster.

- Going for desi movies is a motivational class.

There is this program on one of those lifestyle channels- who'll age faster. Based on your diet, exercise and other lifestyle choices, a team of experts projects just how badly you'll age. Each time I go to the theatre that plays desi movies, I feel I'm in that program- Will that be me in 5/10/20 years?- the auntie who looks equally comfortable with her Benz and her love handles? The one who hopes her expensive accessories will make others ignore her sad fitness levels? The one who looks like a pear and can wear nothing but kurtis? The one whose life is enormously comfortable but nondescript nonetheless? Nothing motivates better than fear and nothing cures fear better than action. So if i'm running harder on a sunday after a saturday movie, you know what has spurred the action.

-I'm 28 and without a baby and I don't feel the void.

I'm genuinely happy in the here and now, being with M, doing the stuff that brings immense joy and fulfillment. The clock's ticking but is that reason enough? There is just so much to do (refer to point 1 above) and no tearing hurry to become a selfless and evolved person (which I have heard other people become as parents- no clear evidence but yes, a lot of hearsay).

- The world of fitness is also a world full of expenses

Being lazy and fat doesn't involve half as much expenditure as your bid to remain fit. Strangly enough, what is unhealthy costs much lesser than what your body genuinely needs. case in point-Mac fries vs 99.9% fat free yoghurt. And it's not just food.No matter how you decide to keep yourself fit you can't escape the fact that Fitness equipment (weights, mats, gym machines, hydration packs, fuel belts), fitness wear (shoes, dri-fit socks, compression shorts), fitness food (energy bars, gels, protein shakes) and motivation (group classes, trainers etc.) are going to make lighter, definitely, your wallet and possibly, you. But then point 2 stares you in the face, you pay through your nose and your determination to chart a course through the fitness terrain.

You know you have landed in Delhi when...

• The last disciplined and synchronized activity you see will be the seat belts coming off before the airplane has made a complete halt and mobile phones buzzing to life before the aircraft doors have been opened.
• The sullen guy at the "pre-paid taxi" counter repeatedly mispronounces your name the way only a Haryanvi jat can.
• You see taxi drivers soliciting the "long distance sawaari" from the 20 odd passengers whose trolleys are bumper to bumper, lest someone cut the precious queue.
• When you hear more abuses laced sentences in 10 mins than you heard in the last 10 days. (this is the part when the glamour from "kabhi pyaar mein gaali deta hai" from Delhi-6 comes undone)
• You have every reason to believe the taxi driver when he narrates the grand conspiracy theory which implicates the guards who allocate taxis to passengers, the cops who book those who won't pay the guards and the drivers who pay the guards to get the more lucrative passengers.
• You can't quite decide on what is causing you greater trauma- the sound of 100 horns trying to beat each other at the game of cacophony or the sight of seemingly every other man who thinks that scratching self in public is as natural as breathing.
• You marvel in disbelief at how wide the roads are compared to the excuses Mumbai commutes on.
• You hear the punjabi on the streets, in the neighbourhood and on the radio station and realize how much you missed it.
• You see fat aunties typified by dripping diamonds and still haggling with the kabaadi for 5 bucks.
• Talking to old friends and discussing old favorites such as PVR, Big Chill and Flavors is about the only important and urgent thing in the world.
• You are home and wonder why you left.
• You read about water shortages, electricity problems, 20 rapes, some dozen robberies, water logged roads, cracks in bridges- all in the same day.
• You wonder when you'll ever truly return.

The discontent in settling down

Gypsies and nomads lead charming lives. They do not bother with cash flows and assets. Hoarding is not a hassle. Gypsies and nomads also have no fixed address. A caravan to guide and a spirit to explore.

I look at our nest- bustling with newly acquired possessions of entertainment and mobility. I stare at sufficiency but do not find contentment. Do I need more to live more?

I do not shun responsibility. Nor do I want to flee the material mortal world for some silent meditation in the hills. I would not be able to life the ascetic life. Yet, I find myself brooding over this consumption led lifestyle which clips many other bohemian options in the bud. Again, the survival of an option is quite unrelated to that option being exercised.

I can't quit at the drop of a hat. I can't call myself fancy free. I can't live on love and fresh air.

I certainly come nowhere close to a gypsy.

Wish being hedonistic did not come at the cost of abandonment of all romantic notions.

Rome-14th Sept 07- Part 1

The Day started with Basilica Di San Pietro- the world's largest church. Grand and opulent. The power and the wealth of the church left me awe-struck, but frankly, I felt it lacked the spiritual intimacy of St. Chapel or Notre Dame. The grandeur just felt...distracting.
For me religion amounts to a matter of personal faith and belief systems. I don't really think the architecture of the place of worship is going to play a tremendous role in how or how well I exercise my faith. And no-this isn't about churches. I'd say the same thing for big temples or huge mosques- the smaller and the more sparsely done up places just seem more inviting. I'd any day, choose a small corner temple over a thoroughly decked up temple with loudspeakers and light; the low key satya-narayan puja at home over a noisy display of devotion at a "jaagran"; or even a visit to local church on anyday except Sunday! I have nothing against a place being popular & crowded-The Lotus Temple in Delhi and the Golden Temple at Amritsar they do emit that precious feeling of tranquility,inspite of being on the tourist map.) I'm just against the pomp and show, the in-your-face demonstration of faith and the hyper activity of commercialization that grand places of worship tend to encourage, directly or indirectly. In some cases, scale is an advantage- in this case, it just distorts and distracts- the same way that a beautiful melody turns into an irritant if played at too loud a volume.

The other thing that made me frown was this prominent sign that informed visitors of the earlier held notion, that the Pope was answerable to no one except God. That didnt go down well with me. At the very least, each individual is accountable first to his or her own self- his/her conscience, his/her sense of right & wrong and then to others, who have played a role in shaping those thoughts and actions or bear the consequences of those thoughts/actions. Human beings are just congenitally imperfect and error prone. With time, rigour and experience, one can train to be of six-sigma quality, that too on a particular skill or task, but there's only so far that you can go. "Tends to" perfection can never equal flawless.
And I guess that's a lesson I'm learning in my life as well- I've always put up certain people on a pedestal-to me, they represent the sum total of all aspirational qualities with the benefit of experience and good judgement. Now that's a silly and a rather impractical expectation to begin with and needless to say, even a minor slip or lapse on their part had the potential to make me lose heart, feel disappointed and even, cheated. It's only off late that I've come to realize that they are not infallible-only as human and a little less error prone than me. So I expect and judge a little less and allow for more room to breathe.
So no matter how old or how revered, let humans be humans- with accountability- just don't expect them to live upto an impossibly exalted ideal.
To be continued...........................................
Bear with me...I know this hardly sounds like a merry travelogue but then it's no longer the singular heady rush of the travel memoirs-the experiences of the year that's passed between the trip and now, have also crept in. Uninvited but not unwelcome :)

Thrilled/Thumped

Thrilled

....with the fact that I too can make good filter coffee (if the decoction has already been made).

....by my 4 km run (10 laps. nonstop.28 mins)

....by the new age Hindi movies that are so real- characters are not outlandish, no one's larger than life, the situations are something you can identify with and the issues gritty, thought-provoking and controversial. ( I watched Jaane Tu, Rock On, A wednesday, Khuda Kay Liye over the past few weeks). 

....by how last weekend totally revived lacklustre life- Danced till 4 am after a really long time and the company made it all worthwhile. Good friends, I've figured are the effortless panacea to all problems....they might not be able to solve a lot of the problems but they do end up making you feel as though those issues dont really matter in the larger scheme of things.

....with the evolution of tourism boards in des- try the Kerela Tourism's tour planner. I was completely enamored by the beautiful images and the ease with which I could plan a Kerela trip (that's saying something coz I've never been there). The Tour Planner feature even recommends improvements on your travel plan and has accomodation+ayurveda centres listings depending on which locations you selected. 

....with Mint- I never knew HT could produce such a superb newspaper. 

....by my new bar cabinet- it's gorgeous and at the throwaway price we got it, it just became even more endearing.

....by finally being able to redeem miles for an SQ ticket to Delhi. I feel quite accomplished now.

....with my new pulley system clothesline that helped kick the earlier grotesque eye level clothesline out of business. Boley toh, ekdum neat and clean.

....by Singapore's efficiency in delivering what you need, when you need it- gas cylinder delivered in 20 minutes flat. How do they do it?

Thumped.....

......by how stupid & sans-common sense people at work can be. Do they not realize when things dont make sense and border on the plain ridiculous or do they realize and care not, simply because they have become conditioned to respect process and system more than simple logic?

....by existential angst that is surfacing a lot more and making me restless and uncomfortable. How long can escapism be my weapon of choice?

....by terrorism and how pointless this loss of lives is. I understand the kidnap and ransom mechanic-but dont quite get the objective being served by bringing death to ordinary people going about their daily lives?Yeah, okay maybe they want attention to their cause- but what the hell is the cause? Do they want land, money, moral supremacy...what? They are holding our security and sanity to ransom but havent really told us what they want. Or is the untimely snuffing out of lives, the price of misguided ideology and individual vendetta that ballooned into something monstrous? Is co-existence so tough? Restraint and tolerance so rare? Intelligent debates in living rooms are not the solution-but what is? I hate the vilification of one particular community or complete nonchalance, the standard response of people around us but know that merely having a strong opinion on this makes my response no better. Sigh. 

****Resuming the Europe diaries over this weeekend. Heck, it's time for the first anniversary of that trip :) Inertia needs to die.

Birthday month tribute

You know you are in your late 20's when:

• You read about someone who's 16 and won a gold medal or invented something cool, and curse under your breath because it's been 10 goddamn years and you are nowhere closer to winning a medal or inventing something cool.
• The only question you ever get asked is "so when are you giving us the good news", which depending on whether you are single or not, could be interpreted as "when are you getting married"/ "when are you producing babies"/"tell us you are confident of your sexuality".
• Everyone around you seems to be questioning their purpose in life-surely it's not to be a best friend to excel sheets or the master proponet of jargon or to sell stuff to people who are doing perfectly well without it.
• Parents, relatives or sundry other do-gooders try pulling off stunts on shaadi.com to "help you settle you down" once and for all.
• Life emerges from the cubicle to pay a fleeting visit during weekends and vacations.
• You find your general likes and dislikes in life have really changed-it could be with the decade or less that's passed by when you discovered and froze opinions in your brain and now.
• Your nieces and nephews are on orkut and facebook or whatever the latest networking site is and say stuff like "wassup, coolio and adios" that totally freaks you out.
• Strangers with kids always make it a point to address you as "auntie/ uncle" and you cringe because two years back, "didi/bhaiya" would not have been totally out of question.
• Your body metabolism ain't what it used to be and a gym membership seems worth it.
• Health in general, begins to establish itself as a matter that needs attention.
• You suffer from intermittent neck/back/muscle pain and have been told your posture needs to improve. Damn the desk job.
• You yearn to study more or change your line of work or if not, emit anxious cribs about assignments and bosses that suck.
• Your hair line is either receding or you have lost count of grey hair. Either ways, a hair stylist occupies the place next to God.
• There are clothes in your wardrobe that you deem "too young"/ "fit for a teenybopper" but yet dont' want to let go of. Not until you turn 30 anyway.
• You have at least one fixed commitment (house/education loan or the likes) that binds you to your desk and your cribs.
• You wonder whether hostels in Europe will admit you. (They will, btw)
• The clock on your wrist isn't the only one ticking away.
• You click on the drop down menu on registration forms and it takes a while to scroll up to the year of your birth.
• More than half your country's population is younger than you. (Not if you are Japanese, though!)
• You regret both the time you spent growing up in a hurry and pretending to be a mature and responsible adult and the time when you yelled at your parents or stormed off in your ugly teens.
• You have at least one "what was I thinking" moment/ incident/ relationship that evokes regret and shudder and acts like an effective block against nostalgia.
• You realize there's so much more to life that you haven't a clue about and yet, that it's okay to discover answers one day a time.
• You joke about getting old and acting senile because you feel safe and invincible in the halo of the "twenty-something" tag.
• You write posts which do little to hide your underlying reluctance to turn older and your gross inability to turn wiser.

(I do think I will like this post when I turn 30. Yikes.)

Have you ever?

Have you ever felt like running away from it all because it seems so futile?
Have you ever run away from things only to realize that the reason for your escape is trivial?
Have you ever turned back and returned to the point when you threw in the towel?
Have you ever looked at that point with disdainful eyes, wondering how you got there in the first place?
Have you ever traced your steps back to the beginning of the journey and kicked yourself for getting the directions wrong?
Have you ever got the directions to your destination all jumbled up coz there are so many ways in which you thought and still think you could steer your life ?
Have you ever wondered why life can't just be about curling up in your bed and reading a book while the ipod deck hums out a gorgeous melody?
I sure am wondering exactly that right now. The rest was just to ensure this sounds like some nice philosophical turn of thoughts, without showing off my new ipod deck or without stating in simple terms that I really couldn't care less.
Have you ever said " I couldn't care less" and realized that's about the only truthful thing you said today? :P

Preacher Practises

I strongly believe in the fact that if you ain't got anything worthwhile to say, then you're better off not saying it. Not unless you want some negative re-affirmation.
Hence the break from blogging. Or I'd feel like a TV news channel covering the story of some boy who jumped into a ditch.
Sorry & Guilty.
Vaccuum is prettier than senseless drivel.
So ta-da. I'll be back when I discover inclination & thoughts/events worth recording.

Pass me the chill pill

I've been on the edge this week- So much so that people that I work with, are calling me nasty and fierce! Who would've thought. (And to think, some others in my previous company had ranked me "not aggressive enough". Tee Hee.)
M's asking me to relax and loosen up and for a change, I agree with him. Have become so high-strung and reactive-a very distorted version of what I used to be. Ugh :(
I think a bit of the stress is because my misplaced sense of hope & possibility on a major issue is in a cruel contest with foregone conclusions. The restlessness & the dismay at the silly futility of it all just doesn't go away, no matter how hard I try.
Making peace with an undesirable but certain consequence of my decisions and actions is sapping more positivity and energy out of me than I'd imagined possible.
Life's being the meaner bitch. Snap, snap, snap. I have to get out of this state of mind. Two things you can do to help:
- Distract me by saying something funny and irreverent.
- Slap me the next time you see me brooding.
(Don't wince if I slap back. After all, I do have a nasty reputation to live upto.)
I'll be back when I'm feeling better or sufficiently distracted.

Tags are not effort intensive.

After the partially intentional and utterly unavoidable break of almost a month, she returns to strike the keys and punch the space bar. Only to realize that there is so much pent up that wants to be told. Since no thought can lay singular claim to being first and foremost, preference is being given to an external stimulus which suits the lazy mind perfectly :) Tagged by Mystic Pizza to do the following:
Post 5 links to 5 of your previously written posts. The posts have to relate to the 5 key words given (family, friend, yourself, your love, anything you like). Tag 5 other friends to do this meme. Try to tag at least 2 new acquaintances (if not, your current blog buddies will do) so that you get to know them each a little bit better. Now don’t forget to read the archived posts and leave comments.
Post on family-umm, none! Don't really use this space to talk about them. Hmm. maybe I will. So this will be linked to a post in future. Moving on....
Friend- The inimitable G, with whom I spent 20 glorious days in Europe- it won't have been half as much fun and adventurous, if not for her!
Myself- Well, couple of things here- my quirks and the stuff I can't stand.
My love- Since no mush permeates this space, this and that is what I wrote. I'm just not allowed to be romantic-Honest :P
Stuff I like- Funny experience, A movie that made me think and something I really liked doing.
5 Friends that I'd like to tag: Meravalablog, Sheen, Makdee, Saumil, Journeying through the within.
2 People I interact with, on & off the blog frequency: Mahogany, Footnotes on page 4.
Phew.
Catch you on the other side of the commercial and habitual break called the weekend.

Send me to Rehab

The thing about blogging is that it’s rather addictive- in both active and passive forms.
If you’ve cared to notice, my blogging frequency for this month has surpassed the number of posts I wrote in all of 2006. Earlier the question was umm, should I blog this month? Now, there are times when during a regular day I catch myself framing a sentence for my blog or thinking whether what I just said or did was blog-worthy. Waste of time-not really. Evolution of expression- arguably. Addiction- most definitely.

I like reading a few blogs and sometimes when I over-do it (read 5-6 posts one after the other), it wreaks havoc-I can hear stray phrases and sentences- incoherent little devils that float in my mind-it’s almost as exhausting as having long conversations with people, till your phone battery gives up and as addictive as multiple doses of caffeine! (Would have compared it to smoking-but nah..passive smoking isn’t addictive-esp not when smoke makes me sneeze. A lot.).

I do think I’ll have to trim the habit down a bit because these are not the only things I read. The mainstay still remains the world of books, newspapers and magazines. Those I shall definitely not give up or cut back on. And since my day job teaches me that my basket is finite and that for whatever I put in, something needs to go out- I’m wondering whether my greedy self can give up anything at all.

This year giving up exercise is not an option-fatness makes me banish the thought. Sleep defies all restraint & will power .Shopping is a necessary evil. Cooking-a cathartic timepass. TV is hardly visible behind the nine yard sarees & the 2 cm radius bindis that dominate the screen most of the time. What then do I sacrifice at the altar..who shall be the (blog)ificial lamb?

Aha, I think it will have to be Facebook-the connector to all acquaintances. I think I can save about 15 minutes a day if I don’t respond to any requests, do not take any mindless quizzes and ignore all application requests which ask me if my friends think I’m a hottie; what type of a stuffed animal I am and whether I think I am a bookshelf.
Now…which blog should I read in those 15 mins??

Wondering if I should take cover....

When I started this blog-it was anonymous and for most part of its existence, it's seen little activity-both from me, who posted sporadically and from the reader, who never came :P So the question of cloaking identity never really came up.
Gradually, I started giving out the blog address; dropping it shamelessly on my profile pages on social networking sites etc; even posting my life's scenes out here. But now, I wonder if that was a big mistake-whether this very act of telling the world upfront who this blog belongs to, doesnt actually make measured words and uncontroversial topics a mandate-I don't feel this blog can take the no-holds barred type of writing I want to indulge in.
Too many people I know have either read this in the recent past or will do so in the near future. And weird as it may sound-I'm not really willing to put up all aspects of my life for scrutiny and judgement, especially to those who know some of those aspects! Am I afraid of the judgement? Oh I don't know.
I am thinking of taking cover and just blasting off my thoughts without weighing in the nuances and reining the flight. I dont know whether I'll do that. just yet. As standard response to any decision, I'll procrastinate.
Ho hum.

Update
All I needed to unleash the bitchiness was a trigger and it was so readily provided. By whom? For that you'll have to read the blog where I officially let my dark side run wild. For a preview, click here: youhavetobeadumdumtoclickthis.blogspot.com :P Lovin' it.

Year of Change

Not quite the type to welcome change with open arms, I usually start with denial that morphs into terse acknowledgement and then an absolute capitulation because I for the life of me, can't remember why I didn't want the change in the first place. (Did I mention inertia is my best buddy?)

This has been more or less the pattern with most of the things that happened to me in the last 4-5 years: getting used to a hostel room, case studies, crummy software, changing cities, contact lenses, colors other than blue, mobile phone handsets, ipod, cheese..the list is endless.

The lyrics of one of my favorite songs (Bittersweet Symphony) had told me long ago-No change, I can't change, I can't change, I can't change, but I'm here in my mold , I am here in my mold. And I think I repeated it too many times for my own good.

Which is why I thought I'd make 2008 a year of change-where I will challenge status quo, scale greater heights and fight the demons of sloth & laziness. Okay maybe not-but please excuse, I saw the 3 LOTR movies over the weeekend and 9 hours of war, higher purpose, dominion of men & "maai precious" did distort my sense of reality a bit.

However, the resolve to make 2008 "the" year of change was strong and to prove just how strong, I took the "How lazy are you" quiz on Facebook, forwarded by makdee, who for some reason has gone underground (blogwise, I mean). I love those personality type MCQs-you can pretend to be what you want. Now only if Facebook too had taken the same pledge of change as me! The submit button led me to their cute apology page, from where I meekly clicked 'Go home' and shut down my computer in despair.

But no, I would not let the virtual world determine the course of my "change inducing" journey. To demonstrate how the positive waves of change had swept all over my old self, I did what I thought was impossible- cleaned my office trolley, which after 2 years of indiscriminate hoarding of junk, paper & training material (oh-that does get covered in junk!), just refused to let even a pencil inside. The vibes of change reverberated. I could feel the change- I tell you, the positivity almost choked me. (That sounds like Chopra and Oprah mixed into one :) Soul sistah, only.)

Thus began my journey of change. Here's listing the milestones of the week old trek-I read in some "cheesy" self-important book on change that in this journey no milestone/ resolution to get to that milestone is incosequential- and I believed it- I do take the written word more seriously than I should. After that detour, here goes: (hear the sound of check-check-check on those resolutions)

- Waking up at 8 am on Saturday to rush to the gym! The Yippie Kai Yay trip to Bali in March is a serious deadline by which I must swing back to shape or be a moronic mass forever.

- Not cursing/mentally abusing people as often as I did in 2007 I do want to be a nicer, kinder, gentler human being. Don't ask me why....

- Getting serious about cutting back on caffeine (actually cutting back is the next step- I have also read that change is a gradual process-hmm, I do believe what I read!)

- Calling up language & performing arts institutes & learning about the various courses on offer. Maybe my incoherent self just needs another mode of expression.

- Making a valiant effort at getting rid of this stone age machine my IT folks call a laptop but being told off by the service centre because though 2 years had expired, the warranty had not. (this seriously threatened my 2nd resolve-but will power won and I wrote them a happy new year mail instead)

-Taking charge of my finances and researching options to make better use of my money-investment, charity, travel, shopping trip- the plans are nicely plotted :)

- Doing what I loved to do-everyday: reading, going for walks and uninterrupted listening to music.

And inspite of the cynicism and the popcorn philosophy, there is one good that came out of the first change week of 2008- my will to recognize the small joys of life and to actually act on those mental maps- just paves the way for the bigger changes that I'm about to bring to my life this year. Yes, I can change, I can change, I can change, See me turning my mold.

I see you've started taking the written word seriously too, eh?

The Quirk tag

Oh this is so unfair- just when I was about to start my travel blog (yes the 19 day glorious Europe trip has ended..(sob sob.).but (smile, grin, bigger grin)..what a trip!! Wonderful experiences which deserve to be told in much greater detail. But first the tag- since McD insists she wants to know my quirks, here goes:
1. I frown- a lot-and most of the times, i dont know im doing it- I've been frowning since i was a kid-its the thing i do when i want to listen, to pay attention, to understand, to disagree, to think- so if you havent seen me frowning-dont think you've met me :P
2. I smile- coz I really do feel it doesnt take much and just makes you & others around you feel better. And as a rule, I dont trust people who remain unsmiling for the better part of the day-something menacing about that! There have been times when I've done it rather unwittingly, like the time I did it when a prof was asking me something and I hadnt been listening and he ticked me off with " you will not succeed in the corporate world with a sexy smile" or something to that effect. I didnt know whether to feel insulted with his stupid comment or happy with the compliment. I just frowned in response.
3. I have a security blanket called "Satin"- I have slept under it ever since I can remember (there have been times we've come back mid way from a journey just coz I had forgotten it at home and wont sleep without it) and though I can now, get sleep even without it-its like a hug, a comfort wrap, a pacifier-yes, i do realize it is inanimate but such a constant in my life. (and no its not a museum relic- my aunts and relatives have been gracious enough to gift me substitutes every now and then-though I do have a hard time adopting the new one & letting the old tattered one go.
4. Food is a mood changer (share this with McD)- its a Top of Mind item-always! Singular in its ability to uplift mood or cause it to sink to deeper than deep levels. I love food and I love being a foodie! Loads of quirks associated with food (eating maggi sandwiches, or licking off the cream from cream biscuits ..but too many to list down here)
5. Doing random activities like reading, making cards, writing etc while in vajrasana, walking or standing- My parents used to get quite concerned that I stood for hours while I made Diwali cards for friends and family-but I just couldnt sit on a chair and do those things. Did get a cramp in my legs sometimes and my legs went numb sitting in vajrasana for 3 hrs..but well, I did it my way!
6. The color blue- Till college, 90% of my clothes were blue and I would have ended up as a dyed in indigo version of Simi Garewal, had I suddenly not discovered my fascination for other colors. (yes, even yellow and tan).
7. Extreme panic & hysteria when I dont find something-even if its extremely inconsequential. This is a very time consuming and painful habit (ooops, was I supposed to call it a quirk?). I am a mad woman on most occasions but go raving mad when I cant find something where its supposed to be or where I last left it. On most such occasions, I find it where it was supposed to be-the bloody thing just did a darn good job of hiding itself for an hr! (Recent case in point precious hours saved by Rashie through the discovery of my earrings in the original container- just seconds before I was to embark on a massive hunt).
8. Matching tunes- I'm good at tracking tunes and songs which sound like each other. So I know that "tanhai tanhai" from koyla was actually used as a background score in "karaj arjun". Or that lage raho munnabhai is actually a modified version of a bong song (dhitang dhitang bole).
9. Rembering just antaras or mukhdas and not being able to retrace the start/end of the song is such a nightmare!
10. My hello on the phone and other not-so-glorious ways of saying things- have been ragged enough about the former (of how the accent is so acquired etc-its not by the way-its just been that way since I was a kid and we didnt even have satellite TV then-only the world this week). I do have a sing-song way of saying somethings and have been imitated enough by uncles & aunties & friends when all I said was "Could-I-speak-to-Divya" or shouted "aale aale" (coming!). For more ask DT and wicked meera :)
This is an open request to others- if you think of any other quirks (worth mentioning and not worth censoring), do leave a comment-always good to agree/deny/refute/frown/smile :)
And the travel blog will start tomorrow-any more delays and it will feel as dated as the Roman Forum.

why do people blog?

For the first time, i actively went blog-hopping to read something that would interest/entertain. For the most part, the journey was happy. Till the end that ie, which is when I found myself asking why people write blogs-it to be read by others or just as a record of daily personal cribs and raves? Maybe its to be understood better or to discuss topics of common interest?
I think entries about movies/ travelogues/anecdotes are great-very involving and at least you end up with more information. Reading opinions is fun too-different strokes for different folks. And since im tech duh- i like info, even if its a helpful deluge.
Diary type entries just elicit a massive yawn-yeah, everyone wakes up and all that blah. Who cares about whether you spent a day pretending to be a vegetable or cooking one. I think as a rule, diary blog entries should just be titled dear diary to avoid any accidental and regrettable clicks. (i know i will do that-to know that my last entry was about my cold !!hehe). Self-indulgence is a very sticky vice. (no connection to the Sticky rice at AMK-passable fare)

The question remains-Dont know-lack the energy to think about this right now or maybe that's my excuse for not wanting to confront the question myself. And maybe, it just aint that deep after all.
I think I'm writing coz I like it and coz it would be rather touching to find my kids reading this 10 years from now and giving me a classic roll of the eye.
And yes, I made that up as I was writing it-so no deep seated desire of domesticity and changing nappies :) The question is sweetly evasive..aint it?- especially for bloggers.

Honesty is the best policy

They taught this to us when we were kids-our parents, our teachers and all the adults who came in the close radius of being guardians, matrons & wardens. The lesson was often proved wrong with practical examples and contradicted with alarming frequency. “Tell uncle I’m not home” is probably a universal lie transmitted by adults onto their young ones. No, this is not an indiction of my parents or my friends’ parents-just that its something probably everyone would have experienced now or then. The objective of this blog is simply to explore the nature of honesty and better define it-having done that, maybe also to figure out whether it is indeed the best policy (I actually don’t like the word policy-it has something potently negative about the way it sounds-inflexible, unimaginative, laid down by someone else, something you just have to follow without applying your brain). But again, I use it more due to the familiarity of the phrase-maybe I’ll think about replacing policy with something better along the way. Ready to explore honesty?

a) Is honesty a conscious choice- Since I truly believe that an evolved individual must have a more developed internal locus of control, as a subset of that belief I also believe that we choose when to be honest, who to be honest with and conversely, when not to be honest and who not to be honest with. There are those who say circumstances were such that I couldn’t possibly have told her the truth. What is being achieved by such delayed honesty? - You simply fall back on the known tenet that blows soften with the passage of time. By the same logic would you wait to reveal a piece of news that you think would make the other person happy? Nope. Not a chance….so essentially honesty is a choice determined by your judgement of the impact it will have on others or on yourself.

b) Are there degrees to honesty-Okay, so being honest is a choice, but is the degree to which you are honest also a choice? Is being honest an absolute? Or are you judged honest depending upon how honest are those around you or perhaps, the probability of you being honest, determined in a historical context. Is being 50% honest about something better than being 100% dishonest? It is a tricky question-but the conclusion that I have arrived at is that honesty is absolute-it is being true to facts, thoughts, judgements, opinions, everything tangible and intangible. Of course, there are those who may argue that since our sphere of knowledge is limited to the past and the present, by default, what we believe to be true now may be disproved later. (case in point-people believed the earth is flat) Sure, our perceptions of reality change-but as long as we state (doesn’t matter if it is a vocal statement or not) what we perceive to be true with no malafide intention, we are being honest.

c) What’s more important-being honest to others or to yourself-I think in terms of hierarchy, being honest to one’s own self comes first. Think of it this way, if you were dying, what would matter to you, other’s judgement or your own? This is not to say that you should care zilch about what others say or think about you-that’s secondary-you have to live under your own skin-if you aren’t comfortable with that, don’t think Prada or Versace could act saviors. What this simply means is that, if you committed a crime, say robbed a bank-you would be honest to others if you confessed in front of significant others that you did what you did, but you would be honest to your own self if you realized what you did was wrong. Its critical to acknowledge one’s own thoughts-don’t have to be positive or saintly all the time-but self awareness is the first step to being honest.

d) Do smugglers/other supposedly dishonest people sleep well at night-One common belief is that when you do something wrong, your guilt wont let you be at peace. When we publicly categorize someone as dishonest, more often than not, the person is someone who indulges in immoral/illegal activities on a fairly consistent basis. When we do this, we are probably judging only one dimension of their life which is visible to us as dishonest. Its possible that a smuggler evades law on one hand, but is extremely fair in distributing the spoils between his gang. My gut is that dishonest people do sleep well at night-because in the calculation of their conscience, these seemingly dishonest activities don’t carry any weights-its like pulling the plug on a corpse or muting your perception so that it doesn’t interfere in other aspects of your life.

e) Is it good to be honest? “Mummy, stop eating so much or you’ll look as fat as Auntie”. My bet is that the kid who said this would be reprimanded for both speaking out of turn and for saying aloud what adults were thinking to themselves. Tact and diplomacy are sophisticated ways of being dishonest in varying degrees. Sure, societal norms dictate a lot of how and what we say/do things and to be fair, we choose how closely our spoken/written words match our thoughts based on a variety of factors. But nothing stops us from being honest to ourselves-everyday, every single second of that day. Its critical to be true to your own self-it’s the only legacy that you can really carry with yourself and leave behind too.

So essentially honesty is an dependent variable for those who in being honest to others make that choice corresponding to a situation/person. And it is an independent variable when you think of being honest as being honest to your own self. So go ahead….be selfish-do yourself and others a favor-be honest to yourself.

Honesty is really the best promise you can make to yourself and aspire to keep for all you are worth.