Humour among Thieves

Now, losing something-irrespective of how much money or time you associate with that possession, really annoys the hell out of most of us. What really adds a thick coat of frustration, though, is the discovery of theft-someone wilfully and malevolently parting you with what you call your own. It's more than a sense of violation- to know that a stranger gained access without permission and merrily took away what was loot worthy without really knowing how much the memory associated with that physical object was worth.

So yeah, if something gets stolen, you end up getting depressed, grumpy and maybe a little paranoid. But the 3 times I've had something stolen from me have just led to more complex emotions. Look, I'm normal and do mourn even the most minor of losses but dont know why these incidents seem like a feeble attempt at comic relief for whoever's writing my life's script.

Incident 1. Innocent college girl, barely 18, treasures the glitzy wallet gifted by boyfriend but knows not the pitfalls of using open cloth bags in crowded DTC buses. She encounters pushes and shoves by dirty looking gypsy lady with a kid. Waves of sympathy keep her temper in check. Stoic girl changes buses- boards an auto and arrives at her destination, only to realize that stoicism equalled stupidity and that gypsy auntie had polished off wallet and contents quite smoothly. College girl panics-cancels credit cards (yeah-she had a generous father), applies for duplicate id, library pass, club membership, license etc and sulks all week long. A week later, she receives a courier with all contents of the wallet(cards+license+college id), save for the Rs.50 & the wallet itself. With the net effect that she can't mourn the only thing which she truly misses.

Type of humour: Irony: as used in Alanis' Ironic?

Incident 2- Brave 22 yr old stays alone in a 9th storey flat (with terrace) in Baroda. Parents are not that brave and have ensured that this flat is just 4 flats on top of the relatives' apartment. Hard working girl comes back at 11 in the night to discover things strewn about in a very unseemly way. Shrugging off doubts of nephews' mischief, she runs to the 5th floor and is apprised of the day's events-An unhinged sort of character had entered another flat on the 9th floor and had demanded food from the 10 year old boy who, not knowing any better, had simply given him something to eat. And guess what that freak did with the fresh dose of energy!! Burgled the brave, hardworking girl's apartment- at considerable risk to life!! And what did his exploits cost the girl? 3 bottles of expensive perfume, her specs, a silver pendant and NOTHING ELSE. The fool left behind a laptop (presumably because he knew not what it was? maybe it was too heavy?), gold earrings (maybe he just preferred silver?maybe he didn't like the design?) and cash (this part has never been fathomed by any listeners of the tale). The police report of the loss was met with incredulous amounts of laughter and weak suggestions of a psycho admirer. The girl's angry glares were punctuated by her exasperated shrugs. The girl was later, amused at her contribution towards making an unhinged male see and smell better!

Type of humour: Dark: as used in "Jaane bhi do Yaaron"

Incident 3-Well travelled 26 year old (let's keep calling her girl, shall we?) is most excited about a girlie trip to Bali. The most stressful part of the trip for her is over by the time she's at the Singapore airport- she's managed to pack real light, you see! The arrival at the Denpasar airport proves how wrong she was. On the conveyor belt she meets her bag, which looks sullen and lock-broken. Her anxiety at this violation soon gives way to relief and idle annoyance as nothing of value is missing-her perfumes, specs and silver earrings are also very much there. Peace. Narration of this weird tale to eager audience of one is followed by a declaration of making self beach-worthy in the morning, by good use of prized epilator. Morning arrives with a scream and the realization that the epilator is missing, thanks to the glamorous silver case in which it rested. Angry 26 year old showers choicest abuses on the hirsute thief who thought of stealing nothing else but the epilator and wonders how many more unhinged thieves she'll encounter in the 60 odd years ahead. Yes, she hopes to live long. If anything, the laughter induced by the funny thieves will help longevity.

Type of humour: Slapstick, "C" grade: Think "No Entry"/ "Adam Sandler"

Potential Thieves of Humour to note: If you have any sense of dignity, shame or even some trace of logic, thou shalt not a) steal items that can never hope to get you any return commensurate with the risk involved in the theft and b) pick the writer of this blog because 1)She's been the target of your kind sufficient number of times and 2) she now stays in Safe Singapore. Hah!! Try being funny now?