Jaws like that

It began as a mild discomfort near my right ear and jaw-something that I could dismiss and yet get on with life and sundry socializing. However by Sunday night, it had outgrown its discomfort status and assumed the bigger role of minor pain- at least one that ensured that I couldn't sleep on my right side.

By Monday morning, it seemed like a small mutiny by my facial bones, nerves and muscles that led to a sorry swelling around the joint which further gave way to immense pain as I struggled to chew breakfast.

The situation was dire enough to warrant a call to the beloved hospital whose sole redeeming factor is the proximity to office (it's just across the road).

Frantic me: "Could I get an appointment with the ENT specialist?"

Dorky girl: " Wait aa". " Let me check for you"

FM: .......

DG: " But let me check with you first....what is wrong with you?

FM: *a variety of things could fit in as appropriate answers* " You mean why I need an appointment?" I went ahead and described the pain etc.

DG: "So what is your diagnosis?"

FM: ???!!!! * at this point DG became Exasperating Girl. If I knew how to diagnose, I'd attached a Dr in front of my name and not waste my time on the call, yeah?* " I don't know why or what has caused this but I am interested in curing this and which is why I need the appointment"

EG: " Ok aaaa. Let me check for you"

FM: ........*are they measured on how many times they repeat this phrase during the day?"

EG:" There is no appointment for today. Tomorrow can?"

FM: No- there's too much pain- I need to see a doc today- what do you suggest?

EG: " Then you can go to the A&E department"

FM: "What's A&E?"

EG: "Accidents and Emergencies department"

FM: "Are you sure? Isn't that for more serious cases?"

EG: "It's ok lah. It's 24 hours. You'll get to see a doctor."

FM: "Ok then. Thanks." *for nothing?*

So that was how I landed up at the emergency department of this hospital. Now, unless you've been on a space mission or something, you would know that this is possibly the worst time to visit a hospital- especially if you sneeze every now and then and have also been overseas in the past 7 days. The swine flu precautions meant that at least 4 different people checked on my travel history, my temperature, my flight number, my address, my contact number and every other piece of information that I could reveal through my miserable jaw. I almost got sent to the communicable diseases centre coz of a mild sneeze- it was only after I assured the nurse that this was just a silly dust allergy that she finally asked me to go wait inside for someone to attend to me.

And so I waited, feeling rather guilty- there were old folks on wheelchairs, some people on stretchers, but for most part, the place was rather empty- sure, there were others who seemed quite all right but by sheer glance condemned me for infringing my undeserving ass on what was rightfully, an emergency chair. To prove that I belonged, I started wincing a bit and also made intermittent gestures to support my jaw. Truth be told, it was paining but since there was no obvious external injury- I felt quite unqualified to be sitting there. Thankfully, the nurse yelled out a nice distortion of my name and I proceeded to volunteer more information while my BP was checked. The funniest question was " What is the degree of your pain"- it was a 10 smiley scale which went from a sheepish zero for "None" to a wailing 10 for "Intense". I debated and judged my pain at a Mild 4.

I think that was a bad move- I had to wait another 30 minutes to see the doc, who spent all of 2 mins looking at my ears and referring me to an X-ray. Now the X-ray guy was obviously in need of some entertainment in life and since radiology is not exactly E!, he decided to amuse himself with specimens such as moi. Out of the 8 x-rays that he took, the last 4 deserve special mention. I had to lie down with one arm straight ahead, the other by my side,with my head looking up and my knee folded: all this for my jaw??- I really think they supply some of this footage to candid camera! In any case, after the 70 min wait, even I was in need of some entertainment- so I obliged.

Anyhow, 20 mins after the X-ray, the doc summoned me only to tell me that since he was no expert at ENT matters, he would prescribe some painkillers and try to get me an ENT appointment for the next day!

After a morning of pain and silly encounters, the prospect of sound sleep induced by painkillers can fill your mind with such joy! However, after 11 hours of sleep you don't really feel much except heavy disorientation. Sure the pain's gone but so is any sense of time or purpose.

I'm no closer to finding out how this silly pain started in the first place- I've been assured by a competent doctor (my mom) that this will go away in 2-3 days and that I should stop worrying.

The worst part is the impact this has had on the only happy constant of life- food- regular crunchy munchy food has become a bit of challenge- I've been asked to have only soft food- soup, porridge, khichdi, the likes. And so I veer between cerelac and mashed khichdi and my brain switches between infant and geriatric modes.

The one silver lining in sight is some unintentional weight loss that may occur as a result of this soft diet. Till then, it will be all bark, no bite. For the biatch in me, no respite. Jawly good, I say.

I might as well admit it....

....I'm addicted to:

a) Makeover shows: I watch Style by Jury- have watched Oprah episodes on free makeovers. Heck I even loved movies with a makeover theme or even a makeover scene (Pretty Woman, OSO, Chori Chori Chupke Chupke (yeah!), Chaalbaaz (ok, maybe this doesnt strictly fall in this category-but we'll just extend the addiction to make'unders'- Remember, Rohiti Hattangady?), Taal etc. My 2 second pop psycho-analysis tells me that this could be because a) I'm in need of a makeover b) I love magical results without too much stress and hard work, c) Appearance can transform a person and d) just. I'd go with option d). Anyone who thought I'd choose a) doesnt really know egoistic me.

b) Audition rounds of reality shows: It's serious business, this. India seems to be the land of a billion talented people and also the land of a milllion TV channels just falling over themselves to bring this talented mass to the fore through the means of a 1000 odd reality shows. Sing, dance, act, stand on your nose, fart the loudest, have an attitude, - the term talent is loosely defined and the reality is rather un-quietly stage managed. I have come to hate these talent shows that ultimately provide a platform only for out-of-work and hence-on-your-screen judges and publicity hungry film folks who troop in to promote a release and mouth gems such as "two of you all were mind blowing", " you are a good package" etc. But what I don't ever miss are the auditions of these reality shows-Roadies, Indian Idol, American Idol and Saregamapa-you name it and I would have most likely made an effort to catch the auditions. Such precious eye-opening lessons in understanding human behaviour!- Move aside quantitative studies- one episode of Roadies Auditions is enough to make me aware of how people think, feel, react and interact. Even the most moronic episodes are revealing, if not entertaining. So take my advice, skip the shows- watch the auditions.

c) My 'satin'- Faithful companion of countless years, my security blanket, unlike me, is ageing well. No matter how rough my day or how terrible my mood, I just pull it over my head and it soothes my nerves and keeps the cruel world (exclusive of M) at bay. Laugh not, I can manage sleep without it (now), only I don't want to.

d) Pickles- I love pickles and have at least 4-5 jars at my place at any given point in time. Different flavors of course! As a consequence of this addiction, I end up spending the maximum time in Mustafa's Pickles section that has a mouth-watering, slurp-inducing array of pickles.

e) My lull-to-sleep playlist-I love music and on most nights, just before I go to sleep, I play an assortment of songs that are high on melody and low on beats. Currently the playlist comprises- a)"Vellai Pookal" from Kannathil Mutthamital-filled me with hope and peace, even when I didnt know the meaning of the lyrics. b) Chanda Re from Eklavya- it's meant to be a lullaby :) c) O Saathi Re from Omkara- because you can touch the notes of love in the tune and the lyrics d) Scarborough Fair & Bridge over Troubled Waters by Simon & Garfunkel- For lyrics that include "parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme" and for tunes that refuse to leave me. e) O Re Pakhi from Khoya Khoya Chaand and f) Raat Hamari Toh from Parineeta-To me, these just appear at their best at night.

I was tagged to do this by Goofy Mumma when Lehman was still around, when recession was a word long forgotten and when the media debate was about Obama and Clinton- yeah, the good ol' days when consumer sentiment, the stock market indices and credit ratings were up.

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And since I have not provided any running updates for a long time, here goes:

3 Running attempts in 2 weeks (India): Delhi and Chennai runs were eventful only because I was chased by dogs in the park and on the beach. Very haha not. To ensure I dont tempt fate and dogs in central India, I ran in the gym in Bhopal.

2 runs on the road (yes, I've migrated from the track) with M (make that run behind M!)- 4 km on Monday and 5.5 km today-all in about 30-35 mins. All the coolness will get challenged day after when the goal is to touch 7 km. Till then, adios.

Eye Sa Lah!

No. An ordinary sty wouldn't have done. Some vague rash-too pedestrian. My eye needed something grander. So it opted for a chalazion- which by the way, looks exactly like a sty but since it is grander & sounds more sophisticated- fancies itself a much much longer & indefinite stay on the eyelid.

I'm compelled to write about this "thing" on my left eye which developed sometime in May, starting out as a small swelling but by sheer determination (by the glands on my eyelid) and by utter neglect (my own), has grown to be quite a nuisance. To be fair, its a painless bump on the left eyelid which causes only a very minor incovenience-no eye make up; but has become a "grr point", thanks to the predictable barrage of questions & reactions it invites.

At first, people shy a second glance and then when they've acquired enough courage or have astutely established the presence of a swelling on my eye that deserves to be questioned, pop the exclamation-first in a series of many....

" Oh there's something on your eye!"

Those who pride themselves on their acute sense of observation come up with a diagnosis:

"oh something's bitten you on your eye"

(this is accompanied by them pointing to their own eye to show me the exact location of the "thing"). The assumption being that I lack either a mirror or any sensation in my eye or both. At these times, I'm tempted to give them sheets of paper and crayons so they can draw me a delightful, colorful diagram.

When I deny the existence of an insect bite and tell them its a chalazion-they are partly outraged at their superior judgement being questioned and partly confused at what the hell a chalazion is. So they proceed to:

"Oh, its a sty!"

"Why dont you go see a doctor?"

" Are you taking any medicines?"

"What did the doctor say?"

"When will it disappear?"

" How did it happen?"

"Does it hurt?"

" How can you prevent it from happening again?"

Explanations & details such as this thing being painless and having been there since 6 months, having to do nothing with make-up or my diet or any other deliberate action of mine are neatly ignored. They are convinced that this hurts and that I'm responsible-they just have to trace the steps back to the scene of the crime.

Facial contortions follow if I do happen to let out that this will have to be removed surgically.

"Oh so painful!"

"How awful!"

" Is there no other way"

Of course not, I just thought a surgery sounded like a fun thing to do. And yeah, buddy, those exclamantion marks sure help in easing out the pain and preparing me for the minor surgery (which I'm assured by my doc-takes only a couple of hours and about 2-3 days of rest).

So if you've seen me in the past few days or months and have been bursting with curiosity about the "ugly" thing on my left eye- Here's where you should go: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chalazion

It would have been thoughtful of me and convenient for you if I'd just put up an FAQ list on my eyelid, right next to the chalazion-but I've kind of grown fond of the 6 month old "thing"-don't really want to offend it 2 months before I make it go under the knife.

I knew you'd understand.

ps- I do realize that most of these questions would have & continue to come from well meaning and thoughtful individuals, but pls realize-collectively, the same questions everyday, become quite a pain.

- I want to start SFAAC (society for awareness about chalazion). If people are as generous about donations as they are with questions-this society will never be cash-strapped.

Da Vicious Cold.

Having felt like a virus factory for the last 4 days, I just feel compelled to dedicate some alphabets to something that’s quite annoyingly dominated my life. Here’s what I realized.
a) A cold is bad-no two ways about this-almost like a warm-up during gym, it starts with a sniff or two and before you realize it, the bloody thing has started wreaking havoc on your nose by making it leak, like nobody’s business. And then again, it’s your nose not the basin to plug it up!
b) Home remedies, anyone? Well, I tried to fight it with my will and my army of countless tissues. I even tried substituting my regular pickle with amla pickle and drinking lots of orange juice (I’m all sold into the benefits of Vitamin C, u see). I was also advised to drink haldi and milk-but well, milk and I gave up on each other ages back and worked out a mid-way solution as cheese and yoghurt. And well, haldi is fine for the veggies! So something a little less disruptive for me.
c) The time comes when you just need to wisen up and yes, take that dreaded tablet which promises to put an end to your watery woes, but also makes your super drowsy. The state of zombie-ness starts and you feel the processing power of your brain ebbing away.
d) After 2-3 tablets, voila, a miracle-and you can turn your back on the tissues. But hey…why does my nose feel like a clogged drain-a choked pipe-a blocked passage? Oh, now’s the time you need to take a mucus decongestant and/or take steam!! Oh damn at least I could breather earlier!
e) I’ve heard of husbands getting sympathy pains when their wives go into labour and found the whole thing quite amusing-but honestly, all traces of humour evaporated with my throat getting sympathy pains for my nose-it was as though, in a sacrificial filmy mood or some directions from the organ union, my throat had asked to share the pain and the bad times. I officially had a cough.
f) Armed with a cold and cough is not really the best time to go to a movie-I was equipped for the temperature inside-have been in Singapore long enough to know how Siberian the theatres can be-but not quite prepared for the inopportune timing of my relentless sneezes and hearty coughs-I salute the patience and fortitude of those around me-bear they surely did with me-albeit with a silent curse and a handkerchief to their nose.
g) One of the most debilitating effects of the cold has been my inability to smell anything-good or bad-feels terrible to be devoid of one of the senses that I really took for granted-I realized how much it means to me- half the joy of cooking was lost coz I could no longer savor the aroma of the spices, and half my judgment of the end results! Also, I felt rather dumb putting on perfume coz I just didn’t know whether it was enough or too much! Lost half my appetite (which, going by the steady increase in weight, is not half bad). Oh god, please invent a way to grant a cold, but without the loss of the power to smell!
h) I also, understood for the very first time, the power of receptivity and what brand loyalty means. The first one is on how I suddenly seemed to notice the Strepsils ad on the train and the vicks drops on the 7-11 cash counter-unreal. My head and nose were sufficiently blocked for me to trace my steps to Mustafa after the Saturday lunch-after several rounds of directions and aisle hunting, I was told that Vicks Vaporub was out of stock-And just listening to my vehement NO to the store assistant’s suggestion that I look for something else, made brand loyalty a very personal emotion. (I do love Vicks for its unduplicated & totally reliable way of giving me a good night’s sleep-even with the monstrous cold)

Ah well, I haven’t quite recovered and the struggle to beat the cold continues-only know, I’ve paid heed to my mom’s advice and started my course of antibiotics-I think this dual damage of losing both taste and smell might just work as well as the GM diet! Here’s to good health!!