The discontent in settling down

Gypsies and nomads lead charming lives. They do not bother with cash flows and assets. Hoarding is not a hassle. Gypsies and nomads also have no fixed address. A caravan to guide and a spirit to explore.

I look at our nest- bustling with newly acquired possessions of entertainment and mobility. I stare at sufficiency but do not find contentment. Do I need more to live more?

I do not shun responsibility. Nor do I want to flee the material mortal world for some silent meditation in the hills. I would not be able to life the ascetic life. Yet, I find myself brooding over this consumption led lifestyle which clips many other bohemian options in the bud. Again, the survival of an option is quite unrelated to that option being exercised.

I can't quit at the drop of a hat. I can't call myself fancy free. I can't live on love and fresh air.

I certainly come nowhere close to a gypsy.

Wish being hedonistic did not come at the cost of abandonment of all romantic notions.

The first First.

It's been 12 months since we signed on the dotted line and got the law to recognize and register our relationship. The official anniversay is in June-yet, this day too deserves to be celebrated in its own right.
This day has three themes:
1. A bit of introspection and self-congratulation.....
"Looks like we made it. Look how far we've come my babe.
Glad we didn't listen. Look at what we would be missing."
2. Some appreciation and mush......
"You're a part time lover and a full time friend.
The monkey on your back is the latest trend.
I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else, but you."
3. A stream of dreamy wishes for the journey of life......
"Safar yeh khatam na ho. Rahein yeh kabhi kam na ho.
Miley ya na miley manzil. Bichchade ka gham na ho.
Guzar na jaaye yeh khwaab sa safar."

Happy first First to us.

So who wants to know when I'm going to be a Mommy?

Until last year, the question that haunted me in social gatherings concerned the timing of my wedding vows. After the wedding, the most repeated and less irritating question involved the state of my married life and how this was different versus being single. And now, when people presume that we've settled into happy domesticity, the most FAQ is "so when are you going to have a baby?".

There are multiple insulting ways in which I could answer the question:

a) Probably never

b) None of your frickin' business

c) Before I turn 30

d) I don't know because I don't feel ready yet.

e) I already have a boy to manage and I'm waiting for him to grow up.

f) I want some more time with M and we don't want anyone else to respond to our call of "baby?" just yet.

g) If you are clamoring for one, what's stopping you from popping out one?

h) When I know a little more about expecting/parenting etc.

i) When we are done travelling to the destinations we've planned for this year.

j) When we feel the need to expand our family.

Depending on how I'm feeling on that particular day, any of the above responses is applicable.

I do not know whether people who ask me this realize that this is not like asking what time it is or how my weekend was. I'm not even sure that they understand that this is not a one-time activity like going to the movie or buying a bigger TV- it's a voluntary life change of gargantuan proportions AND something totally personal. It is not a frivolous piece in the jigsaw of polite conversation.

Some insist the question is light-hearted and in good humour. Sorry. The decision is big because it is a lifetime commitment and I can not pretend to answer it in a lighter vein. You better practise your conversation skills a little more than expect me to answer something that does not concen you in any way.

What's more I see no logical reason in sharing the timing of this decision with all and sundry. The question has nothing to do with them too- it's not like they can contribute in any way nor will my answer will change their life's purpose in any way. What good would it do to anyone to know if and when I'm planning to reproduce???

Of course the exceptions to the above are family and friends, who I would expect to help/advise/annoy by advising- but then being family and friends, they would have probably had the above responses thrown at them one time or the other.

This is not to say that I don't want a child or I'm a perpetual party animal who can't bear to be responsible! I know the concept of a biological clock. I do want to be a parent someday if only to exercise my parent ego, dress 'em up in lil booties or to be fascinated with how their mind works. I have not yet discovered that I'm incapable of either biologically producing a child or legally adopting one. I admit I am scared of labour pain and about not knowing anything about raising a child. I also get those whiffs of self doubt on whether I will be old and energy less when my kid grows up. But I do not feel pressured by other friends turning mommies and I certainly don't feel it's a race and I'm getting left behind.

What I do not understand is the motivation behind the question about me becoming a mother!

Actually, in my case, it doesn't stop at being a question- given the strain in the relations with my dad, it extends into a freindly suggestion- 'Get a baby and things will be all right'. I lose all sense of peace when I hear these supposedly well meaning sound bytes from people at work or elsewhere. I think I will lose all respect for myself if I bring another life into this world hoping for it to act as a patch-up device. Surely, he/she needs a stronger reason for existence?

When I choose to have a baby, I think it will be obvious-there are only so many days that I can hide the bump. Until then, I will drink, travel and make merry and oh yes, reserve the best glares for those who persist in prying on this topic.

Phew. Had forgotten how good it felt to vent out on this space.

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And while doing this post, I also realized that this is the 100th post :) Hurrah for me and for those who grace this place with their visits. Keep reading and inspiring me to write. Cheers!