Until last year, the question that haunted me in social gatherings concerned the timing of my wedding vows. After the wedding, the most repeated and less irritating question involved the state of my married life and how this was different versus being single. And now, when people presume that we've settled into happy domesticity, the most FAQ is "so when are you going to have a baby?".
There are multiple insulting ways in which I could answer the question:
a) Probably never
b) None of your frickin' business
c) Before I turn 30
d) I don't know because I don't feel ready yet.
e) I already have a boy to manage and I'm waiting for him to grow up.
f) I want some more time with M and we don't want anyone else to respond to our call of "baby?" just yet.
g) If you are clamoring for one, what's stopping you from popping out one?
h) When I know a little more about expecting/parenting etc.
i) When we are done travelling to the destinations we've planned for this year.
j) When we feel the need to expand our family.
Depending on how I'm feeling on that particular day, any of the above responses is applicable.
I do not know whether people who ask me this realize that this is not like asking what time it is or how my weekend was. I'm not even sure that they understand that this is not a one-time activity like going to the movie or buying a bigger TV- it's a voluntary life change of gargantuan proportions AND something totally personal. It is not a frivolous piece in the jigsaw of polite conversation.
Some insist the question is light-hearted and in good humour. Sorry. The decision is big because it is a lifetime commitment and I can not pretend to answer it in a lighter vein. You better practise your conversation skills a little more than expect me to answer something that does not concen you in any way.
What's more I see no logical reason in sharing the timing of this decision with all and sundry. The question has nothing to do with them too- it's not like they can contribute in any way nor will my answer will change their life's purpose in any way. What good would it do to anyone to know if and when I'm planning to reproduce???
Of course the exceptions to the above are family and friends, who I would expect to help/advise/annoy by advising- but then being family and friends, they would have probably had the above responses thrown at them one time or the other.
This is not to say that I don't want a child or I'm a perpetual party animal who can't bear to be responsible! I know the concept of a biological clock. I do want to be a parent someday if only to exercise my parent ego, dress 'em up in lil booties or to be fascinated with how their mind works. I have not yet discovered that I'm incapable of either biologically producing a child or legally adopting one. I admit I am scared of labour pain and about not knowing anything about raising a child. I also get those whiffs of self doubt on whether I will be old and energy less when my kid grows up. But I do not feel pressured by other friends turning mommies and I certainly don't feel it's a race and I'm getting left behind.
What I do not understand is the motivation behind the question about me becoming a mother!
Actually, in my case, it doesn't stop at being a question- given the strain in the relations with my dad, it extends into a freindly suggestion- 'Get a baby and things will be all right'. I lose all sense of peace when I hear these supposedly well meaning sound bytes from people at work or elsewhere. I think I will lose all respect for myself if I bring another life into this world hoping for it to act as a patch-up device. Surely, he/she needs a stronger reason for existence?
When I choose to have a baby, I think it will be obvious-there are only so many days that I can hide the bump. Until then, I will drink, travel and make merry and oh yes, reserve the best glares for those who persist in prying on this topic.
Phew. Had forgotten how good it felt to vent out on this space.
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And while doing this post, I also realized that this is the 100th post :) Hurrah for me and for those who grace this place with their visits. Keep reading and inspiring me to write. Cheers!
9 comments:
Ha ha ha.Been there done that. Really. It is freaking irritating I tell you. I still remember an incident, where across the compartment in a Bombay local, an acquaintance asked me if I was pregnant.And she does not even know if I am alive today. Deal with it the best you can. :) And yes about the patch up thing, in a very filmy way, it really did work in my case.;)
Congrats on the 100th! Keep them coming :-)
Wow! A hundred is quite something..Good going and here's to the next 100! Cheers.
I love this post QQ! No further comments.
GM- I dont doubt that she/he will help patch up things..I just wouldnt want it to be the only reason.
Penguin & Shiva & Anu- thanks :)
Totally agree with you.....You can say I am in the same situation with just more number of married years. You have not even reached your first wedding anniversary yet. I am surprised it already started for you :-)...Just keep going and congratulations on the 100th post. Keep them coming and we will keep reading.
And here's where it get's better: for those of us who do have a child, the question does not stop. It simply changes to "So when are you having the next one?"
Argh!
Aah. Such a relief to read my exact thoughts here, without having to write them :) What with co-SIL being preggy and all, everyone, including people who've met me twice in their whole life (with very self-destructed prospects of meeting me again)kept going - "oh! So you're up next". As though I'm in line for a milk bottle or something. Grrr... Can we have a "Society of Women Who Know & Choose How and When to Get Pregnant - Without Useless Advice". Thanks for the post sweetheart. Its only apt that its the 100th. Congratulations!
Oh god. This is horribly familiar. The world and sister has been asking about our procreational decisions literally from the second we got married. But the last straw was last weekend when the maid at my in laws place felt free to ask me when I would have a baby and tell me that the next time I saw her I should have some good news to give. Aaaarrrrggghhhh!!!
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