News can be fun

I'm a news hound and read at least 2 newspapers each day. (International Herald Tribune and TOI/Mint- I have a habit of volunteering information-didn't you notice- I have a blog!). News websites such as ndtv and rediff are also toured but infrequently because I like to sink my teeth into in-depth reports instead of sniffing at breaking news snippets.

However, I largely make do with the epapers. For I stay in a city where the regular newspaper less than delights and carries about 1 page of news worth reading. For I yearn for real news vs "window pane breaks and injures 2" and there are only so many sales, slimming & bust enhancement ads that my senses can bear. But yet, being a news hound, I can't really stop myself from the cursory glance at the free newspaper and if nothing else, then satisfying myself with the easy Sudoku it carries each day.

But today happened to be the day that I picked up the free newspaper and actually found 3 things which did not aim at being funny but were.

#1 Mistaken identity lands IT professional in trouble

Consider a young Indian IT professional who's roaming around one of the shady streets at 6.53 am. It is way past/too early for the time any good girls would be out on the street. So when he sees a lady walking down this street at such unholy hour, he naturally assumes that she is peddling certain services and since of this, he is certain- he proceeds to grab her and then to kiss her!! He is then chased and caught by her colleagues when they hear her shouts for help. Though he apologized and was appropriately fined- what got me was his plea that he was soon to be married to a girl in India and that they were to set up a software company.

Several questions come to mind- What time zone was he operating in? Has he heard of the word "propriety" or of the word "relevance"? What good is that last statement going to do? Or was he just trying to balance the scale and hoping that entrepreneurial instinct would kinda overshadow his abundant stupidity?

Actually, I'm plain surprised that the fiancee is okay to proceed with plans in spite of his morning misadventure.

#2 Gastrosexual is the new metrosexual

This is from Britain-apparently, British men are spending close to 30 mins a day cooking and have ostensibly been inspired by celebrity chefs such as Jamie Olivier and Gordon Ramsay.

I am sure they have failed to record the 1 additional hour women are spending in kitchens cleaning up after the 30 minute typhoon has wrecked havoc in the kitchen. But interesting huh? Good looking and witty chefs have the potential to lure husbands into the kitchen. Now who's up for making over Sanjeev Kapoor?? :)

#3 Advertisement for Bottom Slim (which prominently displays the before and after cellulite versions)

"My mom, my grandmother, my aunts all have bad cellulite. I did not escape this tendency too!I wear jeans and pants during hot days to work to hide my ugly thighs. My problem areas were so severe that I honestly thought nothing could help. But after 6 Professional treatments at Bottom Slim, things have certainly changed. I wore shorts to work yesterday, and it felt so good and amazing!"- Ms. Tan, 32 yrs old, Accountant

Gulp- I can not imagine why an accountant who's past 30 would want to wear shorts to work!! I'm sure her colleagues echo the " feeling good and amazing" sentiments.

FB-the laughter tonic

Funny that I should be getting this after extolling the virtues of FB just a couple of days back.

Message one from random person- " Hi. Plz add me to your friends list"

My reply- " Eh? Who the hell are you?" (only people who are daft would mistake this for curiosity)

Second message from random person who turned out to be daft as well- " Hi. Im businessman from gujarat. I am in civil line and doing laiozan work-i know some of good constracion company in mumbai.what about you what are you doing and you are from which place.from your face i come to understand that you are very sober woman and you are very soft neture and it is good for you. futher if anything pls mail me or contact me on - Random person"

Sober and good natured. (I have tears in my eyes)

No person in their right mind has ever called me that and if all goes well, never will. I'm wondering whether to edit the previous post and also put down FB as a laughter tonic? There is also the question of an appropriate response - since "who the hell are you" has resulted in a generous and irrelevant description of self and "Eff off" might not be understood, I'm in favor of ditching my usual sarcastic style for a more direct and blunt"Not interested. Buzz off" approach.

I need to share the story with M now- I hope he laughs harder than the time someone on orkut called me a genius person! :)

You know you have landed in Delhi when...

• The last disciplined and synchronized activity you see will be the seat belts coming off before the airplane has made a complete halt and mobile phones buzzing to life before the aircraft doors have been opened.
• The sullen guy at the "pre-paid taxi" counter repeatedly mispronounces your name the way only a Haryanvi jat can.
• You see taxi drivers soliciting the "long distance sawaari" from the 20 odd passengers whose trolleys are bumper to bumper, lest someone cut the precious queue.
• When you hear more abuses laced sentences in 10 mins than you heard in the last 10 days. (this is the part when the glamour from "kabhi pyaar mein gaali deta hai" from Delhi-6 comes undone)
• You have every reason to believe the taxi driver when he narrates the grand conspiracy theory which implicates the guards who allocate taxis to passengers, the cops who book those who won't pay the guards and the drivers who pay the guards to get the more lucrative passengers.
• You can't quite decide on what is causing you greater trauma- the sound of 100 horns trying to beat each other at the game of cacophony or the sight of seemingly every other man who thinks that scratching self in public is as natural as breathing.
• You marvel in disbelief at how wide the roads are compared to the excuses Mumbai commutes on.
• You hear the punjabi on the streets, in the neighbourhood and on the radio station and realize how much you missed it.
• You see fat aunties typified by dripping diamonds and still haggling with the kabaadi for 5 bucks.
• Talking to old friends and discussing old favorites such as PVR, Big Chill and Flavors is about the only important and urgent thing in the world.
• You are home and wonder why you left.
• You read about water shortages, electricity problems, 20 rapes, some dozen robberies, water logged roads, cracks in bridges- all in the same day.
• You wonder when you'll ever truly return.

If you hate FB, this one's just for you!

In the last few days, I've heard too many rants against Facebook-on how it is completely stupid and how people are wasting time updating status messages and playing dumb games etc.

Truth be told, I'm a regular and frequent Facebook user- the kind who update their status prob once a day and are thankful to FB for reminding them of friends' birthdays, the kind who don't take stupid quizzes and who ignore all application requests, the kind who like the fact that FB has brought distant friends back in touch and their life's experiences closer through photographs.

The following is dedicated to the Facebook haters and their myriad reasons.

If you dislike the concept of social networking and people spending time as per their choice, well, you might be better off taking up another cause instead of getting millions of people to change their minds.

If you can't stand others updating their status message, please get a little savvy and open your eyes to a feature called "Hide"- hide that user or your entire friend list. If you don't really want to know what a friend is upto or are irritated by all the fun he/she is having- well, maybe that person does not really belong in your friend account. Also, if you continue to read the status updates and yet keep complaining, you are either hypocritical or just plain lazy.

If you are concerned about lack of privacy, please use the security settings and allow access to your profile, info and pics only to individuals you trust enough or don't put them up in the first place.

If someone is stalking you, block them and report abuse.

If you don't like the idea of the whole world reading your message to a friend, don't leave a wall post-send them a private message instead.

If you think your kids are going crazy over FB, well, monitor, screen, filter- in the same way that you do for other internet sites, mobile phones etc. A good measure of judgment, advice and trust should work, right? And in any case, no matter what you do, the next generation will find ways of beating your system. Getting yourself familiar with new means of communication will only help you assess benefits or damage better.

If you think FB is making mails and calls obsolete, you might find your thoughts resonating with those who said the TV would make print obsolete- different methods of communication can co-exist, especially if they serve different purposes!

If you can't bear FB, close the account and bid adieu- there are millions of users and one less is not going to hurt anyone. Least of all, you. If you are on the site, you are choosing to click-unless, someone is holding a gun to your head and insist that you get socially connected. If they are, you should consider getting help.

Facebook is not perfect- there are way too many weirdos sending you friendship requests. Traditionally strong lines between work and fun, business and pleasure, family and friends are getting blurred. Tweens and teens are getting seriously affected by the site which make them measure self worth in terms of their friends lists and number of wall posts. People are getting obsessed with doing things just so they can report on them through their status updates. And yes, it's surprisingly easy to take the cleverly constructed mirage of a good life for reality.

But then guess how real life is turning out? Our communities, our groups and our social networking sites are only a reflection of how society is evolving. You can either sit in the corner and sulk because no one told you the world is changing or you could be out there, recognizing teh change and and trying to adapting to it. The choice between denial and participation will always be yours.

In short, if you don't like facebook or the other social networking sites- stop whining, stay away and let others FB in peace. While on your way out, please collect the winner's goody bag-it contains a typewriter, a gramophone and a VCR. The committe had recommended a laptop, an Ipod and a blu ray player, but then we thought obsolete might suit you better.

ps- If you hate Orkut, I don't blame you. The site sucks :P The ratio of losers: decent junta on that site crossed the permissible limit roughly 1.5 years back.

The Leap

So there's this list that I made at the start of the year- stuff to do before I turn 30.

I made the list in January and the opportunity for that first tick came in... January! After which there was a lull- at least with respect to the list. And then I lost the list-sure I retained about 40% of the items in my head but a list pruned down by half aint good enough and I couldn't just make a new list. So I searched high and low and then gave up and then almost as always, the list turned up when I was looking for a completely different thing. So the resurfacing of the list is going to be marked by a record of that first tick on the blog and by active efforts in accomplishing the other 29 things on that list.

The list is not known to anyone but myself and this is by design. Most of the items are in my control. There are some that relate to others- family and friends. Some of it is plain outrageous stuff which does lead me to question my state of mind when writing that list, 6 months back. But well, the ink is spilt on the paper and it is nothing but my mortal duty to obey the letter. It promises to be fun :)

Oh yes and here is proof of accomplishment of my first task- The Bungee Jump!!!

Kawarau Bridge, New Zealand

There are those who hesitate; those who look to the familiar face in the crowd for support; those who succeed a person who broke down and gave up; those who follow a person who swoops down like an eagle; those who scream their lungs out and then there are others who do all of the above. But it does not matter because once you have fought every cell of your body which is telling you not to jump, braved a height of 43m and just walked off the ledge after saying " Dammit. I can do this"..... you'll still be mighty hilarious to the crowds who take pleasure in hearing you scream "Help me" after the jump's done and as you are about to be brought down into the boat. That the crowds who witnessed the moment of truth include the husband, who made for an elegant jumper (in the words of the AJ Hackett folks) and who by the way, also recorded all of this on video, do not help the respectful cause of bragging rights.

What was funnier thought was the family reaction:

My mom: "You shouldn't do insane stuff like this."

My brother: "Did your contacts not fall out?" (yes- that is the first thing he asked me)

My brother again: " Be careful" ( this is after I've done the bungee yeah?)

Would I do it again? The adrenaline rush is completely worth it and I have a very persuasive adventure buff for a spouse-but at my core, I'm a scaredy cat who can be described as risk averse. So the short answer is, I don't know. The fact that I'm willing to consider doing another bungee, in itself marks a significant improvement over the "me" of past.

Here's to 29 more such life improving measures.